Archives for category: standards

A straight guy might be jealous at just how easy it is to get sex if you’re a gay man.  Gay men are constantly offering their bodies to the hottest profile pic that logged in within the last 20 minutes (as long as they’re within about 2,000 feet).  It seems a silly notion to question “Why this obsession with sex?”, but I intend to ask it anyways.

So… Why this obsession?

When I first came out, I was telling another gay man how I had never had sex.  He asked me “How do you know that you’re gay, if you’ve never had sex?”  I didn’t then, and I still don’t know why we give so much credit to sex.  I’m not gay because I want to get off with another man, as opposed to a woman.  My “gayness” came as a feeling, a longing, a desire to connect with another man; to share my life with him; to have him hold me; love me.  Sure I have a physical attraction to men, and sure I have sexual desires… and combining that all has the potential to roll into something beautiful and intimate.

But that kind of love, that kind of sex, that kind of intimacy is not what I see prevalent within the gay community.  It turns into a game, a conquest, a need to quench a thirst that never seems to go away.  Within time, the intimacy is lost.  Love is replaced with lust.  Compassion is replaced with your own carnal desires.  Passion is replaced with aggression.  Then we start to describe ourselves and others as a “bottom”, a “top”, “8.5 inches uncut” instead of as someone who is “caring”, “adventurous”, or “honest.”

What’s the harm?

Sex isn’t the problem… sex is awesome!  However, I think that we can abuse it.  When sex becomes more about “me” then it is about “them” or “us”, I think we’ve gone to far.  When sex becomes the end goal instead of an expression of the way we feel it means that sex has replaced intimacy, rather than enhancing it.  Then we forget the virtues, characteristics, and qualities we once sought for ourselves and others, and instead debase ourselves and others into a set of stats.


You know how mormon missionaries always travel in pairs.  Well, what

happens is they pair you with another guy and, somewhere between 6 weeks and 6 months later, you’ll get a

call telling you they want you to move to a new city and be paired with a new guy.

One day as a missionary I got such a call.  I started asking other missionaries if they’d heard of this new guy I’d be with.  People told me he was weird and grew up “in a bubble” (which is to say very ignorant: or nicely put, innocent).

When I met the guy, I realized it was quite true how he had been described.  What I didn’t expect, however, is that I would like it!  Despite his awkwardness, he had a quality I had never quite seen in someone so strongly: he was completely transparent.  In other words, he was an open book.

I think a lot of people look at that as a weakness.  If you’re transparent people can take advantage of you.  You can’t hide your emotions; people will know when you’re happy, and they’ll know when you’re sad.  In fact, it’s hard to keep secrets, and people could use that against you.

Meeting him, however, changed my perspective.  I felt like I had lived my whole life kind of putting on a show for everyone.  I remember in high school talking about girls like I was the horniest little straight boy around.  Looking back, I think I must have felt that if people had known the real me, they wouldn’t have liked me.  At the time, and where I was growing up, that might have actually been true.  But on the other hand, if I’m putting on a show, then even if they do like me, I’ll never really feel like they’re liking the real me.

I decided then that I wanted to become transparent too.  I wanted people to see the real me.  I didn’t want to keep secrets; I didn’t want to lie.  My hope was that someone could meet me, look me in the eyes, and know the kind of guy I was; feel instantly that I was an honest man and someone they could trust.

I’ve found that as I’ve worked to become more transparent, my ability to have real and lasting friendships and relationships have increased.  People actually prefer to be around someone who isn’t trying to prove anything, who isn’t acting like someone he’s not.

After 11 years of not once admitting to myself that I was gay… sure the first “porn” I looked at was the statue of David in the Encyclopedia; I would feel highschool-girl butterflies when a cute boy accidentally brushed up against me; and I would just melt at the thought of being wrapped in the arms of a man who loved me… but no, not until over a decade after my late nights with Michelangelo’s masterpiece did I finally sit myself down and say “Marcel… you are a flaming homo!! Now deal with it.”

Now this blog is not a coming-out story. It is also not my diary… that I have under lock and key beneath my scrapbook! This is my attempt to write, ponder, explore and hopefully receive feedback about life – and particularly life as a homo. This is also where I will be acting out my severe fetish of using ellipsis (…)… the greatest punctuation in the english language.

Now, a couple things about me (in case I haven’t already embarrassed myself). My name is NOT Marcel, although that is what I’ll call myself until (or if) I decide to actually make myself known: not sure I want future employers reading this blog just yet. I lived as a Mormon for 25 years; until about the time that I got kicked out of a religious university for homosexual activity. Since then I have been in a number of relationships and have learned a little about myself, relationships, love, etc., etc., etc.

It is this “learning” that has motivated me to start writing. For, the more I learn, the more I realize just how little I know (didn’t Socrates say something like that).  This is my attempt to figure out the truth about us gays, and they way we should be living our lives.  From the people who believe that gays will literally crush all decent men, women and children who get in its way; to a guy who, like the Beatles sing, just wants somebody to love; to the open relationships; to the search for happiness; to the search for love; to obtaining love and then watching it slip away.

I am on a quest for truth. I am on a quest for happiness. How do we obtain it? How do we hold on to it? What are the principles, morals and values that we need in order to find it. Are they the same for everyone? This is the purpose of my blog. I am asking you to join me; to teach me; to learn from my experiences; and to share your own. Add a comment, or if too private, send me an email.

I look forward to meeting new acquaintances and sharing a part of my life with you. To all you other flaming homos… welcome to my blog!

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