A straight guy might be jealous at just how easy it is to get sex if you’re a gay man.  Gay men are constantly offering their bodies to the hottest profile pic that logged in within the last 20 minutes (as long as they’re within about 2,000 feet).  It seems a silly notion to question “Why this obsession with sex?”, but I intend to ask it anyways.

So… Why this obsession?

When I first came out, I was telling another gay man how I had never had sex.  He asked me “How do you know that you’re gay, if you’ve never had sex?”  I didn’t then, and I still don’t know why we give so much credit to sex.  I’m not gay because I want to get off with another man, as opposed to a woman.  My “gayness” came as a feeling, a longing, a desire to connect with another man; to share my life with him; to have him hold me; love me.  Sure I have a physical attraction to men, and sure I have sexual desires… and combining that all has the potential to roll into something beautiful and intimate.

But that kind of love, that kind of sex, that kind of intimacy is not what I see prevalent within the gay community.  It turns into a game, a conquest, a need to quench a thirst that never seems to go away.  Within time, the intimacy is lost.  Love is replaced with lust.  Compassion is replaced with your own carnal desires.  Passion is replaced with aggression.  Then we start to describe ourselves and others as a “bottom”, a “top”, “8.5 inches uncut” instead of as someone who is “caring”, “adventurous”, or “honest.”

What’s the harm?

Sex isn’t the problem… sex is awesome!  However, I think that we can abuse it.  When sex becomes more about “me” then it is about “them” or “us”, I think we’ve gone to far.  When sex becomes the end goal instead of an expression of the way we feel it means that sex has replaced intimacy, rather than enhancing it.  Then we forget the virtues, characteristics, and qualities we once sought for ourselves and others, and instead debase ourselves and others into a set of stats.